In this blog post, I would like to help you explore some of the challenges and opportunities that I have had to face at midlife. I want to give you an opportunity to take a look at issues that are specific to each generation. You will also have a chance to begin the process of your own midlife assessment with a list of questions presented in this post. I call this assessment the Midlife Checkup.
Benefits of the Midlife Checkup
Taking the time to assess how your life is going at this point can result in benefits such as these:
It can help you identify and intensify your inner strengths.
You can find your own voice and express it your own way.
You can accept your changing physical self.
It is an opportunity to forgive those with whom you’ve been angry.
It can help you find ways to reduce stress.
You can learn to simplify your life.
You can re-energize yourself in preparation for the second half of your life.
The X Generation
The X Generation is at midlife right now. This generation includes almost 51 million Americans born between 1965 and 1980. Gen Xers are independent, resourceful, self-managing, adaptable, cynical, pragmatic, skeptical of authority, and as seeking a work life balance. We have been described as the greatest entrepreneurial generation in U.S. history; their high-tech savvy and marketplace resilience have helped America prosper in the era of globalization. Overall, compared to Baby Boomers, Gen Xers are doing better in midlife than their predecessors.
Typical Feelings
According to Rocking the Ages authors J. Walker Smith and Ann Clurman (researchers at Yankelovich Partners) and authors like Gail Sheehy, people passing through middle age typically experience the following kinds of feelings.
Regret: As people reach midlife, they must face up to the loss of some of their dreams and regret the mistakes they have made. It is not easy for anyone to face the person one will never be.
Loss: At midlife, everyone has to face the loss of beauty and youth, valued by our society. In her book New Passages, author Gail Sheehy calls this experience The “Body Blues” or “The Vanity Crisis.”
Meaning: According to Sheehy, the “universal preoccupation” of the middle years is “the search for meaning in whatever we do.” As we face the fact that time is limited, we typically become even more intent on this need to analyze and search for significance.
Change: The midlife years can be a time of radical change for many people. This is the result of endless questioning and evaluation of how one has lived life thus far. Many midlife crises become mid-life meltdowns, says Sheehy, because some people react to feelings of emptiness or disillusionment by destroying everything they have built.
For most people, life at age 45 or 50 doesn’t match the dreams they had at age 20 or 30. When people reach age 45 or 50 and are even slightly disappointed by their achievements and experiences, their feelings are likely to be compounded by these factors of self-absorption, sense of entitlement, and a need for control. But there is also a positive side to this. The tendency to reflect and explore can help one look for new possibilities instead of being stuck with feelings of disappointment.
Keep all of this in mind as you complete the Midlife Checkup. It is a list of 29 unfinished sentences that will help you assess your life to date. The items on this list provide a framework for conducting your own assessment. Please add your own ideas that you think will help you reflect on your life’s direction.
The Midlife Checkup
- My most important accomplishments are…
- I am disappointed about…
- I would describe the person I turned out to be as…
- I want to change the following things about myself and my life…
- Things I want to do before I die…
- If I knew I couldn’t fail, I would…
- Things I have mastered…
- Things I want to keep…
- I want to keep these relationships…
- I want to let go of these relationships…
- I want to keep these possessions…
- I want to let go of these possessions…
- I want to have these experiences…
- I want to clean up these messes…
- I want to celebrate…
- I don’t ever again want to…
- My body is…
- My children are…
- My parents are…
- My spouse is…
- I want to remember…
- I want to forget…
- I must apologize to…
- I must seek an apology from…
- I am most proud of…
- I wish I could forget about…
- I wish I could do over…
- I wish I had never…
- I wish I had…
- Add your own items:
A Midlife Crisis affects both men and women, and leads to feelings and behaviors that reflect a desire to recapture your lost youth, or to realize neglected dreams and ambitions you once had.
You can take further steps to overcome your midlife crisis.
Consider talking to someone you trust.
This is often a good time tap into your social resources. Talk to a trusted friend that has been where you are right now. I’ve found it helpful to talk to those older than me to glean some wisdom. They can tell me about their journey and how they navigated successfully.
You might consider investing in a good counselor. Their objectivity and non-judgmental approach can be very helpful in helping you make sound decisions for your life. Counselors are trained in problem solving strategies that can guide you toward the lifestyle you want.
Try reframing your situation.
Sometimes we are so close to the trees that we can’t see the forest. Everything looks dark and foreboding. Yet, instead of seeing this as the end of a dream, consider the new possibilities that await on your horizon. For many men and women, this is an opportunity to redefine themselves into something brand new. You’re older, wiser, and more experienced than your were in your 20s and 30s – you’re better now than you were then. Use that to your advantage. Re-evaluate the values behind your ambitions and think of new ways to accomplish the same thing.
Set new goals.
Goals change as life changes. Your goals should be linked to your values and your needs. As you age and your family dynamics change, your goals should change with them. If you value the freedom to travel, but your mortgage is taking money from your travel account, it may be time to downsize. This is a time in your life when you can feel even more control of your life as you set and achieve new goals that are linked to your deepest values.
I hope this blog has been helpful to you as you navigate this new and exciting journey of Midlife.