When my grandparents moved into our house, it started out as a time of bonding and celebration. However, as their physical bodies continued to deteriorate it began to take a toll on our family. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my grandfather had a massive stroke. It put tremendous stress on the family and my parents’ marriage.
We managed the difficulties of that chapter. My parents’ marriage survived, despite having to care for two aging parents and three teenagers. However, it was a very stressful time. Perhaps you can relate to my experience. Whether you’re an adult child of aging parents, a medical professional, or volunteering in the community stress is a part of your life.
How do you know if the stress is becoming too much for you? The following is a list of signs that you need help. Take a moment to look through these and identify those that are now problems for you or may be potential problems.
1. You don’t get out much anymore. Your focus is your loved one and often you sacrifice your needs for theirs. That means staying close to them, forgoing social events and time with your friends. This can increase your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
2. You argue with the person you care for. Many times our loved one’s struggle to accept the limitations of their current condition. They want to do more than they are physically able and you have to be the “bad guy”. Your role of caregiver becomes one of “parent”. This can put a strain on marriage if your caring for a spouse and can contribute to conflict if your caring for an aging parent.
3. You have conflicts with other family members. Spouses may not be able to accept the amount of time you have spend in your caregiving role. Children often misunderstand your physical and emotional absence. You may experience resentment toward siblings that are not sharing the responsibility of caring for parents.
4. You abuse drugs, alcohol, or medications. Stress often triggers escapist behaviors. Be careful about indulging in drugs and alcohol during stressful times. Alcohol is a depressant and can make your mood worse. Although some drugs provide stimulation, they can impair your thinking and limit your ability to care for yourself and your loved one. Only use medications are prescribed by your physician and never mix the with alcohol or drugs.
5. Your appetite has changed. In stressful situations our body goes into the fight or flight response and focuses on basic survival skills. Appetite may be severely reduced and you may forget to eat regular meals. Create a schedule and stick to it so you can get the nutrition you need. The flip side of this is depression. A loss or increase in appetite can be a sign of depression in caregivers. Maintain healthy nutrition and eat in moderation.
6. You isolate yourself from others. This is big problem for caregivers. As I mentioned before, we focus on our loved ones and neglect our own social needs. Socialization is a legitimate human need for healthy living. It will benefit you to socialize, attend church, go out to a restaurant, go to the park and be around people. You may not feel like talking to new people, but you need to be around them.
7. You behave in a compulsive manner or are overly focused on minor details. Stress can turn molehills into mountains over night. Compulsive behavior is by-product of impulsive thinking, so try to slow your thinking down. Don’t rush into anything too quickly. Bounce ideas off of trusted friends and think before you act. Most of the small stuff in our lives will take care of itself when we focus on the big things as priorities.
8. You feel listless; you lack energy. This is another normal reaction to chronic stress, but it needs to be dealt with effectively. Rather than chugging another cup of coffee or slamming back an energy drink, focus on good nutrition. Take a short power nap for 20 minutes. Give yourself permission to slow down and care for yourself. Drink a glass of ice water or go outside and let the sun shine on your face. This will aid in the release of your body’s own vitamin D.
9. You feel more angry, anxious, or worried than usual. These are symptoms of your fight or flight response. In the short-term they are helpful, but over days, weeks and months they can really wear you down and create physical problems in your body. Headaches, stomach problems, and general aches and pains in your neck, back and shoulders. Find areas of your life that you have more control and focus on those. As simple as it may sound, start with your breathing.
10. You have a difficult time controlling your emotions. You may experience flashes of anger or tearful moments in inopportune times. Crying spells our sudden feelings of sadness. I tell my clients to be forgiving of themselves when this happens. It’s your body’s response to stress, grief, loss, etc. Take a few moments, slip away and cry for a little while. Go out to your car and scream and yell at the top of your lungs until you feel better. No harm, no foul. You get to vent some emotion and your loved one gets you back.
11. You have a hard time concentrating. The life of a caregiver is best described as a roller-coaster on a merry-go-round! There are so many hats to wear, so many plates to keep spinning, and then there’s the chainsaws you have to juggle, all while managing medication for your loved one. I know, it’s crazy and nearly impossible to remember everything. Thankfully, there are a number of helps out there on your phone. The best I’ve seen is Medisafe Medication Reminder, this medicine reminder is a simple smartphone app, that can help manage multiple people’s medications by allowing multiple profiles. It also tracks your prescriptions and reminds you when it’s time for a refill.
12. You have physical symptoms of anxiety, such as an upset stomach, headaches, or a racing heart. I mentioned these earlier, but they are such a tell-tale sign it’s worth talking about again. These are what we call psychosomatic symptoms of stress. Often times, clients will see their physician for these symptoms, but find no physical or medical reason for the complaints. The pain is real, but its psychological – not medical.
13. You often forget things. Don’t judge yourself too harshly about this. You’re using up a lot of mental energy taking care of others. There’s no shame in writing things down or keeping an audio list of things to do on your phone. Two great apps are Evernote and LastPass. Evernote allows you to record anything that comes to mind and keep it stored on a handy app that can be synced across all your devices. LastPass helps you store all your passwords in an encrypted format with a single password.
14. You sleep more or less than usual. Stress burns a tremendous amount of physical energy. As a result, the body fatigues. For some, this results in an increased need for sleep. For others, it sends the brain into overdrive preventing them from relaxing and drifting off the sleep.
15. You never seem to get enough rest. Stress and worry rev up the brain. When you fall asleep, your body switches from its active sympathetic nervous system to the calmer parasympathetic nervous system. However, this gets interrupted with stress and limits your ability to enter into a deep REM sleep that allows the body to recover and re-energize.
16. You feel guilty about your situation. Guilt as a caregiver is normal, but a significant problem for many. Sometimes we feel guilt when our real-self conflicts with our ideal-self. As humans, we feel a gamut of emotions during the day. At times we don’t act or think as we would like. Perhaps your expectations are too high, your burned-out, or experiencing any of the things we’ve discussed so far. Guilt emerges when we feel pulled in different directions between parents and children, family and patients, career and caregiver responsibilities. You will never be able to please everyone, so stop trying. Instead, take action and reinvent the ideal you.
17. You have self-destructive or suicidal thoughts. I saved this one for last because it’s the most serious and least talked about. If you’re having suicidal thoughts – even passive ones- talk to a mental health professional. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to find relief and break the isolation, loneliness, and desperation you’re feeling. Self-destructive or suicidal thoughts don’t mean you’re crazy – it means your body and mind are crying out for help. You cannot help your family or patient until you take care of yourself.
As I bring this to an end, I’m reminded of the last time I flew on a plane. The flight attendants carefully instructed the passengers on policies, procedures, exits, and seating. When they dropped the masks and told mothers to serve themselves before their children, one mother was visibly uncomfortable with that plan. What she didn’t understand is what you must understand – you have to save yourself if you hope to save others.
Next time, I’ll share with you some survival tips that will make your job much easier.