Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.

Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves. Unfortunately, few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips on how to teach others how to treat you.

Choose the right time.
Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority. Timing is everything in relationships.

Choose the right place.
Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location. This minimizes the need for anyone the “save face” and it reduces the hierarchical environment. Location, location, location – it’s all about location. Assertiveness works better on a level playing field.

Be direct.
You might say, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness. People respond to direction and usually appreciate the structure it provides. You can be direct without being a jerk.

Say “I,” not “we.”
Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.” This lets the listener know who owns the request. “I” statements are much more effective than “You” or “We” statements.

Be specific.
Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.” Having a specific due date helps people plan and succeed. Clear parameters create good boundaries and help everyone develop clear expectations around what is wanted and needed.

Use body language to emphasize your words.
An assertive statement, “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning”. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

I teach the SOLER approach: Squarely face the person you’re talking to, Open your body to them (avoid folder arms or crossed legs), Lean forward toward them, make Eye contact, and keep a Relaxed posture. This approach helps Lisa hear your body and your voice.

Confirm your request.
Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication. Summarize your request to make sure they understand what you need.

Stand up for yourself.
Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

Not only are you being polite in your words, but your tone of voice and facial expression should communicate a polite, but assertive stand.

Learn to be friendly
Be friendly with people you would like to know better. Don’t avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them. Be friendly and most people with respond in a friendly manner.

Act interested in them and what they are saying. Ask questions about them and their point of view. The best way to emotionally disarm another person is show genuine interest and concern for them.

If they’re a parent, ask about their children. Do they play sports? What sports? Which position do their kids play? How did they play in their last game?

If they’re married, ask about their spouse. What do they do? How long have they been married? How did they meet? What was it about their spouse they found so attractive?

If they’re employed, ask what they do? How long have they worked their? What do they like most about their career? Do they have any career goals that they’re striving toward or recently achieved?

You get the idea. Just ask them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and we are naturally attracted to people who are interested in us.

Express your opinions honestly.
When you disagree with someone, don’t pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation. Refer back to the section above, Stand up for Yourself.

You don’t have to be worried about being taken advantage of if you stand up for yourself on a regular basis. It may feel awkward the first time, but the more you do it the easier it will become and others will begin to expect it from you. Sometimes people just need someone to teach them how to treat others. We’ll discuss this more in Part 2.

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