In Part 1 of this discussion we talked about using assertiveness to get your point across without upsetting others, while standing our ground and standing up for ourselves. In Part 2, I’ll show you how to use verbal and non-verbal communication to get what you need.

Share your experiences and opinions.
When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it. You matter and your accomplishments are meaningful, so let other know about them. Stop hiding them in the shadows and let others celebrate with you. Don’t assume that people don’t care that you’ve reached your goal, they just don’t know about it yet. Most of the people in your life want to celebrate and share these moments with you.

Learn to accept kind words.
When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.” This was hard for me to master. I used to deflect compliments onto someone else of minimize it by saying, “Oh, it was nothing. No big deal”. I didn’t know how to accept a compliment. I didn’t think I was worthy of complements. Yet, after a few awkward attempts I was able to master saying “Thank you.” Now, I can truly appreciate a compliment, receive it and thank the individual for granting it. You can too.

Maintain eye contact
Look at someone when you are in a conversation. Eye contact is powerful. It communicates so much about you and about your worth as a person. Don’t sell yourself cheap by avoiding eye contact while communicating. Stand up straight, hold your head high and look the listener in the eyes. The more you do this, them more confident you will become and that confidence with beam out from you. Eye contact commands respect.

Don’t get personal.
When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?” By separating the behavior from the person you can address the issue objectively and without unwanted emotions of anger, fear, or resentment. Furthermore, it’s easier to change one’s behaviors than to change their identity.

Use “I” statements
When commenting on another’s behavior, use “I” statements. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last-minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.” This prevents people from being blamed or feeling accused and helps you maintain responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and experiences. “I” statements are very effective when talking to your spouse, co-worker, children and employer.

State what you want.
If appropriate, ask for another behavior. For example you might say, “I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.” This statement clearly identifies what to do next and invites the listener to join you. It promotes collaboration and cooperation and avoids ambiguity or confusion about what you’re wanting in that moment.

Look for good examples.
Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs. Modeling is the fastest way to learn a new behavior and it’s easy to implement. I bet you’re already doing it. You’re probably dressing like a celebrity you admire. I bet you’re driving a certain car because of the message it portrays – unless you’re that guy driving the ’76 Ford Pinto. Look for the person who looks successful, confident and competent and act like them.

Start slowly.
Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight, so don’t set yourself up for failure. Practice on friends and family members you trust. Let your inner circle know that you’re trying this out and ask them for feedback. With their help and your slow, consistent growth you’ll master this and teach people how to treat you.

Reward yourself
Each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response, reward yourself. Do this regardless of the response from the other person. The goal is to associate a reward with your positive action NOT someone’s response. When we get something we want, like a reward, your brain releases dopamine. This “feel good” neurotransmitter does just that—it makes us feel good. You can manipulate your dopamine by rewarding your own assertive behavior and train your brain to seek out opportunities to stand up for yourself.

Don’t put yourself down
When you behave passively or aggressively, give yourself a break. Identify where you went off course and learn how to improve. Learning assertive behaviors is a process, so be patient and stop being so critical of yourself. Sometimes, the biggest critic in the room is the person staring back at you from the mirror.

I hope you find these ideas helpful and will start using them today. You are worth far more than your think you are, and worthy of the respect you deserve. I believe in you.

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